So many people thought we were crazy for getting married so young. Our 10 year anniversary we went to Hawaii and people just could not understand how it wasn't our honeymoon. Tour guides were shocked and repeatedly said to us we never see 10 year anniversary celebrations anymore. Now quickly approaching 20 years together I can hardly remember life without Ben.
Are there moments in marriage that are hard, of course but the good has by far outweighed the bad. Times with new born babies, sleepless nights, bills piling up, loss of jobs - these things of course weigh heavy on a marriage, but they also make us stronger!
I certainly do not claim to be an expert on marriage and am always trying to be a better wife, but I have learned a few things along the way that I would love to share with you. So with a very humble happy reflective heart, here are a few things I wish I had known 18 years ago!
- Serve, Serve and when you don't want to Serve some more! I know this is so counter to culture today, but I hold to this. In our marriage Ben and I make it a goal to out serve each other every day. It puts us on the same team, rather than "I always have to fold the laundry", it becomes I get to serve my husband and fold the laundry today. It is also pretty much impossible to become self centered when our hearts are focused on each other and how best to serve each other. Now is every day a joy to fix a meal or do the laundry of course not but it sure helps when I see Ben pitch in and do a load of dishes. A lot of times serving isn't doing a chore either, many times for me it means slowing down, being intentional or sitting on the couch and "acting" like I care about the basketball game that is on. (do I actually care about the basketball game - NO! but he just loves it when I snuggle up with him and watch a game!)
- Get on the same team! Ben and I have always tried to bring our marriage before the Lord, praying together and reading our Bible together. We have months that are great and months that aren't. But in the last year and half we tried something new and it has seriously changed our marriage. We literally schedule one night a week after the kids go to bed as our "planning night" Ben and I talk about our marriage, how we are doing, we talk about the kids - their strengths and weaknesses and how we can help them grow, we talk about spiritual stuff - ways God is challenging us to grow or move or bend. It is scheduled for every monday night and we talk and pray and plan out our week. What this does is puts us on the same page. If Ben knows I'm having an emotional few days or I'm seeing a weakness in one of our kids that I want to work on then when situations come up he has the back story and understands what is going on. It makes such a huge difference and we have seen God move in some crazy and amazing ways through our time of prayer together. I can't recommend this enough!
- Shut up! Yep I said it, I've learned that most of the time it is simply better to just Shut Up! Proverbs 17:14 says Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before the dispute breaks out. This is a verse I have learned to live by in my marriage. Rather than being a nit picky wife I've learned to just shut my mouth. If something really is upsetting to me or does need to be talked through it is so much better to talk about it later on when emotions are not involved and I am thinking clearly! Many a time I wish I had not opened my mouth in my younger days of dating and marriage!
- Serve together. There is nothing that makes me fall in love with Ben over and over again more than watching him serve the Lord. Whether it is in Africa, on the worship or sound team, or just loving our neighbors serving together is something that always keeps us grounded in God and focused on what really matters.
- Have fun! Days become years really quickly and for two very type A personalities we have to schedule to have fun. Between kids schedules, church schedules, and work - life happens and before you know it a month has passed. Fun doesn't have to be big elaborate dates or vacations, fun can happen in simple moments. Reading books together, family game and movie nights, date nights after the kids go to bed (yep this is a favorite! We will get take out food and a rent a movie and have a mini date at home!) Enjoy each other, remember what makes him laugh, remember how silly you were when you were dating and add some of that fun back!
Alright there it is my reflection on 18 years together. I absolutely love being married to this man. He was and is a gift from God and I can't wait to see what He has in store for us this year!
